World O' Crap reads them, so we don't have to - but this guy, the inimitable Doug Giles, demands to be read once in a while. What's he on about here?

When God created Adam, he didn’t breathe life into this divine concoction of spit and mud in order to develop a race of weak, lazy, irresponsible and chubby quiche-eaters. God made Adam to be a provider, protector, hunter and hero of Jehovah’s created order.

Alliteration! There's more!

Adam, the wild man, drew directly from the earth.  Fast food for Adam was the fleet-a-foot Antelope he was trying to smack with a rock.  Adam lived in naked partnership with wild beasts, birds, gigantic lizards and monster sharks.  And guess what? Adam was not with some gay guy called Steve … he was with a beautiful woman: Eve.  And she was down with it, as well.

Alliteration and nonsense, a winning combination. (And, oh, how he loves alliteration! "corrupters and compromisers" - "cultural constructs" - "dumb and down" - "dutiful and domesticated" - "ecclesiastically and culturally correct constructs" - god damn - it's worth than I thought.)

The great thing about this guy (other than the fact that he is an hilariously bad writer) is that he is so wonderfully ignorant. The first time I heard of him, he was forgetting that the Roman empire was Christian when it fell - now, he's forgetting that the Garden of Eden was full of vegetarians. World O' Crap quotes scripture at poor Dougie:

"And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the fact of all the earth, and every tree yielding seed, the which is the fruit of every tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.  And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so."

As for the prose... Time constraints mercifully prevent me from going through the thing a paragraph at a time, snickering at the lame imagery and painful poetics (oh god, it's catching!), not to mention the wobbly witticisms and hapless hipness. But I can leave you with a bit more mockery, which combines most of the worst of dimwitted Doug's dorky devices:

The song remains the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.  As long as the strong Wild Man attitude is absent, you can expect the corrupters and compromisers to fill that holy vacuum.

Yah got - the pop culture reference (where's "in the door stands Satan's daughter"?); the cliche of the day (the wild man, today); alliteration; and an image - filling the holy vacuum - that... is the vacuum holy? and whatever it is filled with is corrupt and compromised? How is a vacuum holy?

You see the problem?